Doctor: so, Mr Brown how is your wife’s lumbago?
Mr. Brown: Not very good
Doctor: Did you massage the brandy into her back as I instructed?
Mr Brown: yes, but then she cricked her neck trying to lick it off.

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Just seen a man coming out of Budgens with a cabbage on a lead, I asked him why he had it on a lead and he said it’s not a cabbage, it’s a collie

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A strict aunt came to tea and said to her niece, “Eat up your spinach, child, and you’ll grow up to be beautiful”.

“Didn’t they have spinach in your day Auntie?” came the reply.

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Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field.

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A policeman strolling on his beat down Henfield High Street was astonished to see a man walking towards him with a fully-grown African lion on a lead.

‘Hey!’ said the policeman, ‘you can’t walk around with a lion like that. Take him to the Zoo.’

‘Oh, all right officer,’ said the lion owner and away he went.

But the next day the policeman was again confronted with the man and his fully-grown African lion walking along the pavement.

‘Hey, you!’ yelled the policeman, ‘ I thought I told you yesterday to take that lion to the Zoo?’

‘I did,’ came the reply ‘ today I’m taking him to the pictures.

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Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, the Pope, Nicola Sturgeon and a ten year old school boy.

 The plane is about to crash and theres only 4 parachutes.

 Nicola said I need one. I’ve to sort out Scottish Independence!’ Takes one and jumps

 The pope said ‘I need one, I've to sort out the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps.

 Trump said ‘I’m the smartest man in the USA.’ He takes one and jumps.

 Boris said to the ten year old "you can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting".

 The 10 year old said "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA took my school bag"

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Finally two video clips, click here